Get Hard With Haar: Episode 2 of the Continuing Adventure of Dongerius
by GoomyButz
Summary: Ike and Link learn that everything they know is wrong. A satire.
1. Prologue: It's just a prologue

Prologue: The Part That Happens Before The Actual Story

The year is 20XX and nobody honestly cares about that. What people do care about, however, is the miscellaneous adventures detailing the interactions of fictional video game characters set in a universe that generally has absolutely no room for a cohesive story. That being said, let us begin the tale.

Our Hero who is technically classified as a Ranger, Ike, was just sitting around admiring his photos. Nobody was any good at painting in Tellius, but Ike does not care about critiquing art. To be quite honest, he had nothing to do with his life. Ike had singlehandedly murdered every single enemy in the world. There was peace. Ike literally lost his job, as he had nobody left to kill. He was fine with that, but all of the sudden he noticed he had a letter under his couch. Ike was weirded out by this, as Crimea had no established postal service. He opened it anyway, and noticed that it was from Master Hand. The exact text said the following;

"Ikey u moust com tu Smeshh man chin fur thee ultimmmet turnament of stranth.

Luv Mester Hanff"

Ike was rather confused at the awful handwriting, but he then realized that Master Hand was just a hand. No eyes, no arms. Just a hand. The fact that he can write at all is quite the miracle. Regardless, Ike packed his bags and set out to this vaguely worded and generally mysterious Smash Mansion in order to be there for the next Smash Brothers Tournament.

14 time portals and 5 dimensional warps later.

Ike had finally arrived. Surprisingly, his old buddy Link was present. Although, to be quite honest, it was not a surprise at all. Ike knew that if Link was not in a Smash Brothers game, there would be a lot of riots, people would die, and some random dude in his basement would protest Nintendo for 3 minutes until he realized that oh man, they are remaking Ocarina of Time again.

Link greeted Ike by saying, "So Ike, I see you made it. Too bad you don't even know if you will be playable in the game yet."

Ike responded by telling him, "At least we know Toon Link is returning, so that means you will probably be really bad." Link was slightly offended by this, until he realized that it was most likely the truth.

Link then told Ike, "Are you aware that we had a mansion at some point?"

Ike then said, "No Link, I was not. In fact, it is not even Luigi's Mansion. That would have made sense to just use that one, rather than make an entirely different mansion when our universe has already established one in-game."

Link agreed, saying that "You got that right, Ike."

Having established the rather unnecessary existence of two mansions, Ike and Link pressed onwards to the very unimaginatively looking Smash Mansion, where numerous adventures had awaited them.

Will they understand the true meaning of Master Hand's mysterious meeting?

Will the Smash Mansion prove to be as unnecessary as they thought?

Can Wario keep his job at the office?

Find out next time!


	2. Chapter 1: Technically the 2nd chapter

Chapter 1: The Chappening

Ike and Link had at last arrived at the mysterious Smash Mansion. Then looked before them, and saw... a mansion. Link was disappointed by this. It wasn't odd. It wasn't strange. It didn't even have little pictures of Mario or anything. It was like a real mansion. As in, Link could cut a bunch of bushes, save up some money, and buy something exactly like it. Disappointment aside, our two heroic sword-using damsel-saving cheese-eating protagonists went on inside. What they saw was an old pal, Pit.

Pit instantly greeted them by saying, "Hey guys, how goes the tomato farming?" Ike was concerned by this remark, as he had never actually farmed tomatoes. He would have asked about this, but Pit's really obnoxious so he figured that he wanted no excuse for him to speak.

Link, deciding to speak in a way that did not solely involve yelling, asked Pit what he had been doing since the last tournament. Ike glared at Link, who had no idea at what he had just done.

Pit then proved Ike right about being annoying by speaking for the next few minutes, "That's an interesting question Link, as there isn't much I HAVEN'T done! I've been fighting angels, demons, plants, old people, not-as-old people, civilians, and many more. And I flew across the sky a whole lot but only for four minutes at a time because I'm not very good at flying at all which reminds me of the history of flight as one day some guy looked at the sky and said "I could totally move up there" and made wings or something. Of course, I'm a whole lot smarter than him, which explains how I met so many people. I chatted with gods, goddesses, middle-aged men, a dragon, another dragon, and I even went under the oce-"

Ike interrupted this by saying, "Pit, where the hell is the bathroom in here? There are no signs or anything and I haven't taken a piss in over 6 hours!"

Pit noticed that people, unlike angels, use the bathroom and responded by saying, "Oh yeah, bathrooms. There's one over there, and upstairs, and outside, and on the roof, and..."

Pit spent the next 10 minutes telling Link about bathrooms while Ike relieved himself. As he washed his hands with some soap as he isn't one of those nasty people who uses the bathroom and lacks the decency to wash their hands like a normal person, he started to think about something that had been bothering him. Pit was always annoying, but never as bad as he is now. Did he get more annoying since the Brawl tournament? Probably, though Ike. After all, how else would it make sense?

Fully prepared to see where the heck he would put his bags, he found Link, listened to Pit jabber on about the importance of communism, and went on his way with Link.

As they wandered the mansion aimlessly, Link broke the silence by asking Ike a question.

"Ike, Pit just went on about how Stalin was one of the greatest leaders in history. Doesn't it bother you that Pit might be a communist?"

"Link, calm down. People change, I've seen it happen plenty of times before. You need to accept people for who they are. That being said, I think Pit is a horrible person for praising Stalin. I mean, the guy killed millions of people. Even, then, it's Pit. Doesn't it seem odd for an angel to praise a violent communist leader?"

"That's what I mean Ike. Something seems off with Pit. In fact, a lot seems off here. I have a bad feeling about this."

Our adventurers eventually reached a room with just a table and some papers. The papers had the rooming assignments for each Brawler. Because Master Hand was too cheap to buy a large enough mansion, Ike and Link had to share a room. They arrived and realized that the room was pretty cool. It had a TV and stuff. They even got complementary cookies, because those are delicious.

"Hey Ike, it looks like we get to room together!", shouted Link. Ike thought Link was being way too loud, even louder than people requesting a remake of The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask. And those people are pretty loud, which made Ike even more concerned about Link's volume.

"That sounds good to me. I guess you didn't have much to worry about at all, Link. Now let's get this room set up, because that bed is waaaaay too close to the window."

Ike and Link spent the day unpacking and eventually went to sleep in their beds satisfied. Ike figured that this tournament would be pretty cool, just like the last one. Link was also happy, but he was thinking about all of that bacon they might have for breakfast. However, they would soon realize that their worries were justified and that there is some weird stuff going on in the Smash Mansion.

Will Link get to eat that bacon he was thinking about?

Is Ike going to remember to floss his teeth in the morning?

Why is Peach so concerned with Mexican immigration?

Find out next time!


	3. Chapter 2: The Secret of the Secrets

Chapter 2: Something about food

Ike woke up that morning feeling pretty good about himself. He felt as though he could punch a wall, but wouldn't because that would be kind of dumb. Remembering to both brush and floss his teeth, Ike prepared for the day ahead, putting on the same exact outfit from the previous day. You would think it would smell, being the same clothes he wears every single day, but the dimensional qualities of the Smash Universe defy many norms that some would expect in relation to the actual world. In simpler terms, It don't work like that.

After almost forgetting Link existed, Ike woke up his compatriot, who was muttering something about bacon. Link ran towards the door, awaiting his breakfast. Link, of course, forgot how doors worked and slammed into it, nearly knocking himself out.

"Link, how many times do I have to tell you about doors?", shouted Ike, who was losing patience with Link. This was the third time in the last 24 hours Link had a mishap with doors.

"Sorry Ike. Anyways, I had a strange dream last night", replied Link.

"Tell me all about it."

"Well, it was really strange. We were all cats for some reason! It made no sense whatsoever but we just acted like it was normal!"

"Link, I think you need to lay off the Red Potion. It's not healthy to take that stuff if you use it every time you so much as stub a toe."

"But Ike, it makes me feeeeeel good."

Once Link was ready, our breakfast-apprecitating heroes went to the Fooding Room. They both knew that fooding was not a real word, but did not care about it at the moment. Arriving in the room, they started to notice some of their old friends getting some food. Ike and Link went to see Captain Falcon, a good pal of theirs. Link had spent a lot of close time with Captain Falcon discussing the hardships that the Brawl tournament brought upon them, as they were both made weaker for no good reason.

Link greeted Captain Falcon by saying, "Well, if it isn't everybody's favorite Captain!" Captain Olimar overheard this, and left the room to go cry in a corner.

Captain Falcon noticed his old pal and said, "Hey, if it isn't Link. I heard about what happened between you and Zelda, and I just wanted to say that I will do everything I can do help you."

Ike was confused by this, and asked Link, "Wait, what happened with you and Zelda?"

"Oh you haven't heard?", said Captain Falcon. "Shortly after the Brawl Tournament, Zelda ended her relationship with Link. She's been dating Pit ever since."

Ike was shocked. "That communist whelp! I can't believe he acted all chummy with Link yesterday, despite that! Why, I'll teach him a thing or two..."

Link was more confused than Ike. "Captain Falcon, I think you are mistaken. Zelda and I never broke up. Heck, I took her out to dinner a week ago. We had some Grilled Octorock. It was delicious. Here, I even have the receipt from that dinner." Both Ike and Captain Falcon wondered why Link carried a restaurant receipt with him.

Captain Falcon was rather confused by this information. "Huh, this looks pretty accurate. I wonder why Snake and Mario would have told me that. Don't think I don't believe you, Link. I'm just a bit confused at why I would be told that."

With that matter settled, they all had breakfast. Link and Captain Falcon talked about what they had been doing with their time. Link told Captain Falcon of all of his journeys, and Captain Falcon told Link about how he had taken time off from racing to explore the many worlds they all came from, and had gotten rather buff in the process. Ike didn't talk much, because he was too busy studying the other Smashers he saw. Not to learn strategies or weaknesses, but to see if it would help ease his fears. Ike noticed a one thing in particular that seemed very odd to him. Lucas and Ness seemed really close to each other. They were feeding each other food, and it was really awkward to watch. Ike felt as if he was over-examining the situation, and figured it was a kind of brotherly love. Except, it wasn't. Ike remembered that the three brothers he was around his whole life never did anything like that. Oscar, Boyd, and Rolf were very close, but not like that.

As they finished their food, Link noticed something that made him rather excited. Zelda had finally arrived. Link went up to her and said something that was really cheesy. It was cheesier than a pizza with Extra Cheese. In fact, Extra Cheese doesn't even begin to describe how dopey Link's words were.

"Oh Zelda, I am so glad to be the presence of your beauty once more. I was feeling disheartened by some rumors, but I am glad to see that you have come to see your loyal and faithful knight once more and bless me with your company."

Zelda seemed unaware of what Link said. She then told Link, "Hey, would you mind going elsewhere? You are okay and all, but Pit doesn't like it when I'm around other guys. Especially people like you."

In that moment, Link was flabbergasted. "Zelda, what do you mean?"

Link then heard a familiar voice, "You still don't get it, do you Link?" Pit then walked in and gave Zelda a smooch. Link was literally rolling around on the floor at this point.

"BUT I-YOU-WE-WHAT IS HAPPENING?" shouted a very distressed Link.

Pit decided to be a dick to Link and rub it in. "I know you have been in denial for a while, but this is just pathetic. Perhaps you should take some time to think, and read a good book. Might I recommend the Communist Manifesto? Zelda, let's go elsewhere." The two left without another word, and Captain Falcon and Ike went over to comfort their pal.

"Link! Link! Get it together!", said Ike, who was already starting to think of how he should kill Pit.

"Hold on Link, you need to calm down!", said Captain Falcon.

Link could not think. His mind was lost in despair. It was as his whole life got twist-turned upside down. Nothing could make him feel good anymore. Nothing cou-

"Link, I got you some more bacon, if it would make you feel better." After saying this, Ike threw some bacon at Link. He instantly snapped out of his sadness and ate it.

"Thanks Ike, I really needed that. It's official at this point, something is wrong here."

Captain Falcon wasn't as convinced. "Link, I know you are really sad and confused, but that doesn't mean there is some conspiracy going on. I mean, there would have to be a whole lot more strangeness to classify this situation as something like that."

Just then, Ganondorf rolled in. He literally rolled in. Ganon was really fat for some reason. He made Wario look like Marth. There was a 50% chance he was having a heart attack.

"I gotta...get some grub...I need about...600 fried chickens." mumbled Ganondorf, who was likely to have a stroke.

"Link, I think you are on to something. Ganon is way too fat.", Captain Falcon said.

The three then thought of a plan. They needed some answers to the odd happenings. They agreed to split up, and explore different areas of the mansion. They needed to collect as much info as possible, and find out who seemed normal, and who did not. With the terms agreed, Ike, Link, and Captain Falcon went off to solve the mystery of the mansion.

Will the plan work, or will something go wrong?

Is there something seriously wrong in the world of Smash?

How is Yoshi going to pay off his student loans?

Find out next time!


	4. Chapter 3 13: Nothing even happens

Chapter 3.14: A Link to the Present

Link set off first, as he is a fast thinker and knew what to do. He honestly forgot what the actual objective was. He figured that he should therefore assume it had something to do with Pit. He is a Communist dastard after all, thought Link. Therefore, he deserved a good slamming into oblivion. Link decided to move around in the most efficient way he knew.

Side-jumping.

"HYA HUGH SHRAAAA HUH HUH HAH HAH HAAAAH HAAAAH SHRAA SYAAA HYAAAAAGH" said Link. The yelling helped him to concentrate.

After 10 minutes of jumping to the right, Link noticed Captain Olimar. He looked really depressed for some reason. Link decided to pause his jumping for a moment and check up on him.

"Hey there, Olimar, what's the problem.", asked Link.

"My life is going nowhere", said Olimar. He was still hurt by Link's comment from earlier. Link of course, had no idea of the repercussions his causal comment caused earlier. This was because Link is temporally confused. His constant travelling between worlds and time has had an effect on how he views things. The dude doesn't even know what's real. One day there's a moon, the next day there's a sun. It's very hard for Link to keep up with.

Link decided to make the worst possible suggestion anybody could have. "Hey Olimar, how about taking that sweet spaceship of yours for a joyride. I know it has some issues, but what's the worst that could ever happen. Nobody else drives around here, so you don't have to worry about hitting people." Link would soon learn that this was really a bad idea. Worse than the invention of the atomic bomb. Maybe worse than the creation of Sonic 06. No, still probably a better idea than that.

"That's a good idea. In fact, I feel a bit better now. Thanks Link.", said Olimar, shortly before climbing into his ship and flying around the mansion. Link started to think that maybe it was a bad idea. Unfortunately, his thoughts were interrupted by his best pal. And by that I mean Pit.

"Hey Link, shouldn't you be leaving by now. You really lack any chance of being successful in this tournament. I am, after all, totally superior to you.", said Pit, who was literally carrying Zelda for some reason. Zelda, once again, lacking any emotion in her face. Link was starting to get kinda freaked out about that. I mean, she should be showing SOME emtion, thought Link. Regardless, he needed to stop this commie jerk.

"Pit, fight me right here right now! Mano a not-exactly-Mano! No items! No excuses!", responded Link. He was pretty mad at this point.

"Nah, I'm just going to leave. Ta-ta!" Pit then started to fly away on a magic carpet with Zelda, despite his ability to fly. Maybe he thought it was more romantic, I dunno.

"NO!" yelled Link. "You can't just wimp out like that. We need to fight to the death. And then I'll kill you, but you'll come back stronger because of your dark evil powers. And then I'd have to summon the power of love to overcome your evils and destroy you for good! THIS IS NOT HOW I HAD PLANNED IT OUT! GET BACK HERE!"

It was too late. Pit was out of sight. Failing to do what he had wanted to, Link decided to see if either Ike or Captain Falcon has succeeded. He went back the way he came doing, of course, more side-jumps.

"SHEA HYA HYE HA HA HYAAA SHRAAA HA HA HYA HYAAAA HYAAA HUH HUH HEH SHRAAAA HYAAAAAGH!"

Did Ike or Captain Falcon succeed in their tasks?

Will Link ever find out what happened to Zelda?

Is Snake going to have to close down his popular restaurant?

Find out next time!


End file.
